i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
