just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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