Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
