i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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