If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize