: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
