seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
