my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
