please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize