Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
