I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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