i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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