I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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