I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
