he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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