Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
