So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
