my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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