I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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