Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
