you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
sex in a hospital.. check
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
