I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
