I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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