I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
