before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
