so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
