My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
