It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
