hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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