He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
