she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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