I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
