walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
