she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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