you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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