I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
