Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
