i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize