well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
