I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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