dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
