It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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