I showed him my bush... on skype.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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