There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
