I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can't turn off my feet"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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