at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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