We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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