He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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