after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
