a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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