We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
