Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
