You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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