I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize