he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
