i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
