When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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