Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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