I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
