The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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