someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
