I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
